I think i love the night sky so much because there are no responsibilities. In any other given moment in time, I am bombarded by tasks and responsibilities, though i constantly push them aside. The stress of lingering work and nearing deadlines never really goes away as i do other things. But when i go to the high school field at night and lay down on the 50, i am transported into another state of mind. My only responsibility, neither pervious nor susceptible, is to simply observe, admire and appreciate what beauties the universe has to offer. It is there that I am happiest
I lay here basking in the indifference that has manifested within my life, blankly staring and observing a world I struggle to connect with. I speak unwavering phrases that have no warmth behind their words. I am caring, I am loving, I am feminine. But how am I supposed to succeed in the world that does not accept my kindness? And so I am cold. To communicate with rocks, I harden my outer walls, I clench my jaws. Tough is a difficult attribute to wear when all I want to do is cuddle into the arms of another.
I wanted to say hi, but I remembered we don’t talk anymore. I looked away and focused on what I was doing. I’m sure the people I miss don’t miss me nearly as much. You are one of the few people I am truly comfortable with. Hope you are doing well.
It is a very odd sensation when I slip into a state of indifference. I am used to a full, conscious awareness and constant over-thought with everything that I do. Nowadays, I find myself going through the motions, like a robot, like a normal person. It happens often at work, when I am cleaning bathrooms or taking care of endless lines of guests at concession. No thoughts running through my head and as much as I always desired freedom from thought, I don’t like it as much as I thought I would.